How to throw a Pity Party, or How to Measure Up on the Martyr Meter

One of the most gratifying ways to garner the most pity is to actually hold a "Pity Party."

"A Pity Party?" you say? Yes, Invite as many people as you can. The trick to this though, is not to let them know what kind of a party it is. Think of it as a masquerade party if you will, however only you will know the true aim and objective of this party.

One of the best ways to get the invitations out, is to start at work. This is where we are often amongst the most people. Think quantity, not quality.

Simply start by announcing to just one or two people your favorite ilk, and let it flourish from there.

There are basically five categories to choose from:

• Tired
• Sick
• Family
• Work
• Friends

Throughout the invitation period you will want to touch on each one of these subjects.

Allow me to elaborate:

This is one of the best ones to start with because when you begin your day you can immediately mention how little sleep you've had.

Feel free to get specific, point out exactly how many hours you did sleep, and for good mention, throw in how little sleep you will get in the night ahead. By making this the very first thing you start with, telling just one or two people, it can easily be repeated throughout the day.

Be sure to accompany this with much yawning and slouching. If you start to nod off at some point that's OK too. People love a visual

This is an easy one to spread through the crowd without much effort, because once word gets around that you're sick, people will warn others to stay away from you. This may seem counterproductive, but the idea here is they tell other people.

So with this double edged sword, the best thing is to let people know you don't feel good at first. Then you should get at least a 4 or 5 on the martyr meter to start off. The way to get more leverage with this is to eventually explain that you're not contagious. People won't be afraid to hang around you then, and you can certainly continue to gain more mileage.

Just a hint, allergies are a good start, or something you ate, or if you're really lucky some chronic illness like psoriasis will get you some nods. You can also include an injury. A sports injury can really pop up your score. It feels oh so good when they ask, "but did you make the out?" Take your time revealing the cause. Let the rumor mill do it's job here.

The best thing about this one is that everyone can relate. Everyone has at least one family member that is an absolute parasite.

Bring up how much your adult son whined about how little money he has, and how you had to help him with his food budget is good example.

If you have small children, this is a good time to talk about their ailments, lack of obedience, trouble at school, etc.

When speaking of family, it's easy to drop in some of the other four issues. You husband works too hard, your wife is too tired for sex, your children are sick and your mothers friend is crazy!

Once you get the hang of this you'll come to realize how easy it is and it will be second nature!

Now this one can be a bit tricky. Be sure not to complain about work to people who are in charge at work. Stay low on the totem pole when choosing who to talk to about other people at work.

The biggest complaint that most people understand is too much work, and too little appreciation. But you'll get even bigger points if you start talking about your co-workers and how little they know, what they don't do, how no one cares, etc.

If you happen to be late, just turn the tables and place blame on "this friggin place!" This will be a good time to practice. It only takes a minute. Repeat after me, "This friggin place!"

Milk this easily if you are at work. If you happen to be at a dinner party or out for cocktails with friends, well by all means then work it baby, work it!

This one's a bit tricky. Be careful not to bad-mouth a friend who is friends with that friend. But if you have someone you can really shore up your resources with, especially if it's against the same person, then by all means get going!

In this case, the advantages of texting are GI-normous! Texting is the best thing since sliced bread when it comes to talking about one friend to another without them knowing. Get savvy with this if you haven't already.

If you have to include comfort food with this one please do. Just share how awful you feel while sharing your chocolate covered almonds. Someone is bound to join in.

Now in the friends department, you may not have a large audience to boost your pity bank, but those close frossipers are just plain good for the soul.

Well after practicing all of these five topics with the people you know and love, you will soon find that you don't have to actually throw a party.

The real beauty to this is - - - - - THE PARTY WILL COME TO YOU!

Everyone loves a party, especially when there's much complaining, whining, kvetching and what have you.

It's so obvious that there are other people who just don't understand, so make sure you include all that do - or don't - understand that is. Those people are the ones worth waiting for. They will fill the empty space within, and you will sleep peacefully knowing that the world cares.

Social media, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, etc, can be one of the best ways to bulk up your pity party.

Just post on any of these sites something within each one of these categories and you will be sure to get comments.

Measuring up the Likes alone will bring contentment! So what are you waiting for? Get busy!